Infertility without Innocence

I currently work in home health care. I have a married couple who are my clients. I adore them and they make me feel like part of the family. I know about their children, grandchildren and now great grandchildren. Today the husband told me that his granddaughter was expecting.

I just said that it was exciting news and wished her a healthy pregnancy. No gushing over the news. This daughter has had a struggle with having a baby. She hasn’t gone through infertility but her struggle is still great.

She and her sister were pregnant at the same time about 1 1/2 years ago. Her sister now has a beautiful little girl. She went into early labor and delivered a stillborn daughter. I can’t imagine how devastating that was. And now that she’s expecting again, that fear of something going wrong is always there.

That brought to mind what so many fertility challenged women go through.

I know that loss of innocence is the thing I hate the most about infertility. If something has gone wrong, it affects how you react to things that should only be joyful. Trying for conceive sometimes seems like a chore and you’re wicked jealous of someone who gets pregnant accidentally or after trying for only a few months. Someone announces on Facebook that they just found out they’re pregnant and you think that they shouldn’t say anything yet in case they miscarry. I know I didn’t plan to tell my family right away about my second pregnancy because of the fear. It was well founded because I lost the baby that same day. Some of my siblings don’t even know that I’ve had two miscarriages.

I know it will happen one day and I’ll hold my baby close but until it does, I’m always going to have that thought in the back of mind that something could go wrong.

How I envy the women who never have more than a passing thought that all may not be right. They are so incredibly blessed.

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