Blues, Clutter, and Impending Doom

I haven’t been posting because I haven’t had the motivation to. Depression sucks. I lost my main client so only work 2 hours a week right now. Apparently, I am the type of person who is fulfilled when I go to work.

I am trying to get out of this slump. It is hard because K is usually the one to help pull me out of this. Since he was put on third shift, he has been pretty depressed too. Do you know how horrible it is to have two depressed people in one couple? For one thing, our house is a cluttered mess right now. Neither one of us wants to clean. We just do enough so that our house isn’t dirty. The clutter is starting to drive me crazy.

I now have some motivation to get things taken care of. Satan’s handmaiden, a.k.a. my mother-in-law, is coming up for Frick’s high school graduation this Friday. I hate when she comes to visit. It puts so much stress on our marriage that we fight so bad someone mentions divorce. Any other time, our marriage is pretty good. The occasional fight that is resolved within a day is about the worst that it gets.

I’m just ready for this month to be over with. I need something to look forward to.

Behold the handmaid of the Lord.

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When I read the story of the birth of Christ, that is the one line that speaks to me more than any other. When the angel Gabriel told Mary that she was to bear the son of God, she accepted that her Father in heaven had chosen this role for her. She was a young woman, probably nervous about her upcoming marriage, and suddenly told that she would carry a child. She would probably face severe prejudice for not holding on to her chastity and had to face the fact that things would be extremely difficult. And yet she still said, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord”.

I have faced a difficult past year. I had a miscarriage, had extremely stressful times in my marriage, have dealt with severe periods of depression and am now realizing that this may be my dad’s last Christmas. Even with all this going on, being a handmaid to the Lord has been a struggle for me. I know that following the principles laid out for me in the Scriptures are the way to happiness and contentment. Yet for some reason, I can’t even do the bare minimum. I do nothing blatantly wrong but I don’t strive to fulfill the covenants I have made with Heavenly Father. I know that I’m not living up to my potential as a child of God.

In the coming year, I will try to overcome my weaknesses and dedicate myself to continuing on the path with eternity in mind. I know the biggest obstacle I have to overcome is letting my depression keep me from doing things that are pleasing to Heavenly Father. I will attend church regularly, pay a full tithe, serve others and keep in mind always that blessings abound for those who are obedient. I will remember that, even though those blessings may be few on earth, they will be showered upon me after my mortal existence.

I need to remember to be a handmaid.

photo source

The Mean Reds

I am a horrible blogger. Oh well.

I have to admit that I haven’t posted lately because I’ve been depressed. Not “I’m having a bad day” depressed but barely functioning depressed.

I only got out of bed to go to work and the bathroom. I didn’t shower, didn’t eat except to grab an occasional piece of venison jerky, and didn’t talk to my husband except to nod or shrug my shoulders.

I hate being like this. I hate how it scares my husband because he thinks I will leave him or try to kill myself. I don’t know what’s wrong and I can’t fix myself.

I used to be on antidepressants but my doctor never prescribed one that made me feel normal. Either it didn’t work or it made me have no normal range of emotions at all, just a god mood. So I stopped taking them about six months ago. And with the help of my husband (he recognizes when I’m going off course and gets me back on), my faith and regular exercise, I’ve been able to keep my symptoms under control.

This last week has been very bad. K and I have been snippy with each other lately and I haven’t attended church in three weeks because of work or being out of town. This has really made a difference in how I feel about myself. I need to get back on track. So tonight, I have to tell K how I’ve been feeling. I really need his support.

At least I know what has to be done to make me feel better. I just have to get things back in line.

Sorry for the depressing post. Just wanted to share.

Have a happy Monday! I know I will try to. I’m going to leave you with a few Scripture verses that give me comfort when things are looking bleak.

“And I will also ease your burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.” — Mosiah 24:14

“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;
Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.
I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” — John 14:16-18

“Thy hands have made me and fashioned me: give me understanding, that I may learn thy commandments.
They that fear thee will be glad when they see me; because I have hoped in thy word.
I know, O Lord, that thy judgments are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me.
Let, I pray thee, thy merciful kindness be for my comfort, according to thy word unto thy servant.
Let thy tender mercies come unto me, that I may live: for thy law is my delight.
Let the proud be ashamed; for they dealt perversely with me without a cause: but I will meditate in thy precepts.
Let those that fear thee turn unto me, and those that have known thy testimonies.
Let my heart be sound in thy statutes; that I be not ashamed.”
— Psalms 119:73-80