Avoidance

This has been the post I have been avoiding. So last Tuesday, I was waiting for the nurse to call me back. I had called at 8 in the morning. The nurse called back after 3 in the afternoon. I don’t have a cell phone so I missed her call. The next morning my temp dropped and I started spotting. I decided not to call back. Thursday brought on a very heavy, painful period. When I went to the bathroom in the morning, I noticed a lot of clots on my pad. All but one were normal brownish red in color. One was a little pink one just a bit smaller than a pencil eraser. I’ve never had that before so I decided to call my doctor’s office.

They said it could be a miscarriage so they had me come in to do a quantitative pregnancy test. (That measures the level of hcg, the pregnancy hormone, in the blood.). Anything above 5 is considered pregnant. My results were 7.

So, after 5 years, I have ovulated three times, gotten pregnant three times, and had an early miscarriage three times. Apparently, when I do ovulate, I have no problem getting pregnant. My doctor suggested getting tested for recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL). My insurance won’t cover these tests due to RPL being a diagnosis of infertility. These tests are expensive.

Since K and I will stop trying by the end of the summer, I’ve decided not to do the testing. Once summer is over, I’ll go back on the Pill. The focus will then be on getting healthier and getting our lives in order to prepare for adoption.

I am just so tired. Infertility has been taking all of my emotional energy for too long. I’m ready to be free of this part of my life.

Day 28

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It’s cycle day 28. I did not ovulate. I started using natural progesterone cream yesterday to bring on the evil witch. I didn’t expect much this cycle. I’m such a pessimist when it comes to my fertility. I’m going to try 5 mg in March. Hopefully that’s the magic dose for me. I don’t even really care that it didn’t happen this month. I’ll just hope we conceive right around K’s birthday, March 13th.

I do have some sad news though. I had told you that my brother’s fiancĂ© was expecting. She lost the baby. Last week Friday, she had a doctor appointment and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. She should have been almost 12 weeks along. They had her come in Monday for an ultrasound and the tech and doctor didn’t see anything. They think she miscarried at about seven weeks because she had been in at six weeks and they saw it on an ultrasound then. Her progesterone was low so they started her on suppositories. If she doesn’t start bleeding by Monday, she will have to go in for a D&C.

I don’t know what to say. I’m heartbroken and can imagine how awful they feel.

Please pray for Tom and Danielle that they may find comfort.

Today…

…I should be going to church. Instead, I’m laying in my bed crying.

Most days I deal with infertility well. Some days I don’t think about it at all. And then there are the days like today. The ones where I don’t feel any hope about the future. Where I have a hard time being in public because who knows what will start me crying.

I know the reason for this. Tomorrow it will be two years since my first miscarriage. I remember going along with my husband hunting a few days before and talking about how old the baby would be before he took it along to sit in the deer stand with him. That was the last conversation we had about the baby until I started bleeding heavily and I called him at work to tell him we were losing it. That was the last thing we ever said about the little one. He came home and hugged me a long time and just held me.

K just won’t talk about our two babies that are gone. It’s the one thing that we just do not, under no circumstances, discuss. I know he doesn’t talk because he doesn’t want me to think about it and start crying. Maybe he doesn’t want to think about it and cry. I don’t know. It’s the elephant in the room in our relationship.

But on days like today, that’s all I think about. I think about how I should be having baby showers planned for me right now. That we would be thinking about baby’s first Christmas and who would give the baby blessing at church. We would be figuring out where to set up the birthing tub in our tiny overcrowded house. Painting the nursery. Listening to Frick and Frack complain because they now have to share a bedroom.

I was due November 30th. I lost my baby the same day I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t even get the chance to tell K I was pregnant before I had to call him and tell him we were losing another one. I remember going to work with this huge stupid grin on my face and wanting to tell my clients so bad. Planning on telling my husband by giving him the camo onesie I had bought for “someday”. Sitting and talking with my client then standing up and feeling a huge gush and going to the bathroom and knowing that that much bleeding meant the pregnancy was over. Having to tell my client what was happening because I was crying so hard I could barely talk. And calling my boss to tell her I was leaving work. They all knew before K did.

Even though I miscarried so early, the second I found out I was pregnant, I was in love with that child. I naively thought that because I already had one miscarriage, that I would be protected from another. I had so many hopes from the last four years of trying pinned to something that was gone in the blink of an eye. And it hurts like hell.

So today, I’m going to cry because I’m home alone. I can give myself the chance to mourn and grieve without K trying to make me feel better or channel my thoughts to something else.

And tomorrow, I’ll smile and laugh and feel better. We’ll talk about our baby plans and how going back to school will affect them. Yeah, that’s our next step. What to do while I am in school and we have a very limited income. I’m kind of leaning towards just getting myself as healthy as possible these next three years and if I get pregnant, it’ll be a nice bonus. If it doesn’t happen, we’ll probably move on to adoption as our next step.